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Stupid Teenagers

Stupid teenagers are the worst.

They truly understand next to nothing, yet they think they know everything. And annoyingly, you can’t convince them otherwise because they don’t even have the mental capability to understand the concept. Seriously. It’s hardcore science. Just like it’s impossible to teach a dog to talk due to their underdeveloped vocal cords, you can’t teach a teenager to understand their own fallibility or limitations due to their underdeveloped brains. It’s literally impossible to get through to the idiots.

Worst of all, they are old enough to engage in stupid, risky behavior, but not smart enough to fully understand the consequences. Their immature brains are not yet capable of avoiding risky behaviors because the brain systems that control basic cognitive and physical abilities develops way before the area that controls impulse and emotions. Whoopsie! Evolution really got that developmental pattern ass-backwards, didn’t it?

Or did it?

There’s been a lot of recent studies on the teenage brain. This is probably because the stupidity of teenagers seem downright fascinating at times, but regardless, a few theories have started to arise about why teenagers are dumber than a bag of hammers, and how this might actually be an evolutionary benefit.

One theory suggests (using some round-about logic that your average moronic teenager could never understand) that some “risk-taking among adolescents is evidence that they are trying out more adultlike roles. Having unsafe sex and driving too fast may be mistakes, but kids often have to experiment with limits in order to learn how to live within them. Which, in turn, is a sign of maturity.” So basically, it’s the mature ones who act the stupidest. And if the dunderheads survive their reckless youths, they will be all the better for it in the future. Well-adjusted even. Just don’t get in front of them if they are driving a car since “16,000 young people die each year from unintentional injuries.” Mostly in ridiculous car wrecks. On top of that, a slew of them become under-aged, unwed parents who are doomed to repeat the pattern of failsmanship. Apparently whoever’s left over seems well-adjusted by comparison, so that theory totally checks out.

Another, more plausible study suggests that a teenager’s stupidity could actually be an evolutionary benefit due to the fact that a teenager would never gather the courage to leave his childhood home and make a life of his own if his brain ware capable of understanding how dangerous the real world actually is. So for humans to continue to develop and thrive and evolve as a species, teenagers need to remain just stupid enough to take a few risky chances and to make a few bold moves before their brains can develop enough to make them realize how incredibly dim-witted, short-sighted, and crazy they have been acting for the last twenty five years.

So there you have it. Teenagers are stupid because it benefits the human race in the long haul. It’s survival of the mentally un-fittest. It doesn’t make them any less stupid or annoying, but still, you should probably thank them for being so bone-headed. And thank yourself, too. Because you were a stupid teenager once as well, but luckily you were just short of being stupid enough to recklessly kill yourself.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Not my kid. My kid ‘gets it’…” They don’t. They might be able to fake it in front of you, but if you could see inside their heads you’d be shocked at how little they actually understand. But the blindspot of a doting parent probably has some evolutionary benefit, too, so don’t sweat it too hard.

Stupid teenagers are effing awesome.

Benefiting the Human Race

Benefiting the Human Race


 

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