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Archive for the ‘People’ Category

Stupid Teenagers

Stupid teenagers are the worst.

They truly understand next to nothing, yet they think they know everything. And annoyingly, you can’t convince them otherwise because they don’t even have the mental capability to understand the concept. Seriously. It’s hardcore science. Just like it’s impossible to teach a dog to talk due to their underdeveloped vocal cords, you can’t teach a teenager to understand their own fallibility or limitations due to their underdeveloped brains. It’s literally impossible to get through to the idiots.

Worst of all, they are old enough to engage in stupid, risky behavior, but not smart enough to fully understand the consequences. Their immature brains are not yet capable of avoiding risky behaviors because the brain systems that control basic cognitive and physical abilities develops way before the area that controls impulse and emotions. Whoopsie! Evolution really got that developmental pattern ass-backwards, didn’t it?

Or did it?

There’s been a lot of recent studies on the teenage brain. This is probably because the stupidity of teenagers seem downright fascinating at times, but regardless, a few theories have started to arise about why teenagers are dumber than a bag of hammers, and how this might actually be an evolutionary benefit.

One theory suggests (using some round-about logic that your average moronic teenager could never understand) that some “risk-taking among adolescents is evidence that they are trying out more adultlike roles. Having unsafe sex and driving too fast may be mistakes, but kids often have to experiment with limits in order to learn how to live within them. Which, in turn, is a sign of maturity.” So basically, it’s the mature ones who act the stupidest. And if the dunderheads survive their reckless youths, they will be all the better for it in the future. Well-adjusted even. Just don’t get in front of them if they are driving a car since “16,000 young people die each year from unintentional injuries.” Mostly in ridiculous car wrecks. On top of that, a slew of them become under-aged, unwed parents who are doomed to repeat the pattern of failsmanship. Apparently whoever’s left over seems well-adjusted by comparison, so that theory totally checks out.

Another, more plausible study suggests that a teenager’s stupidity could actually be an evolutionary benefit due to the fact that a teenager would never gather the courage to leave his childhood home and make a life of his own if his brain ware capable of understanding how dangerous the real world actually is. So for humans to continue to develop and thrive and evolve as a species, teenagers need to remain just stupid enough to take a few risky chances and to make a few bold moves before their brains can develop enough to make them realize how incredibly dim-witted, short-sighted, and crazy they have been acting for the last twenty five years.

So there you have it. Teenagers are stupid because it benefits the human race in the long haul. It’s survival of the mentally un-fittest. It doesn’t make them any less stupid or annoying, but still, you should probably thank them for being so bone-headed. And thank yourself, too. Because you were a stupid teenager once as well, but luckily you were just short of being stupid enough to recklessly kill yourself.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Not my kid. My kid ‘gets it’…” They don’t. They might be able to fake it in front of you, but if you could see inside their heads you’d be shocked at how little they actually understand. But the blindspot of a doting parent probably has some evolutionary benefit, too, so don’t sweat it too hard.

Stupid teenagers are effing awesome.

Benefiting the Human Race

Benefiting the Human Race


If you put an ad in the paper asking people to gather somewhere in public and get nude for some “artistic” photographs for which they would not be getting paid, it would probably be considered creepy, if not downright illegal. When Spencer Tunick does it, thousands of people show up, ready to get good and naked.

Spencer takes pictures of lots of blissfully willing nudes, artfully arranged, all over the world, in iconic locales including Barcelona, Buenos Aires, London, Melbourne, New York and Sao Paulo. Even on glaciers.

Sausage Fest

It’s an ongoing art project that is apparently supposed to symbolize freedom and to challenge the viewer’s perception about nudity and the human body. But the truth is that most people  probably just like looking at naked people.

OSMsauce isn’t exactly prudish or a family-friendly place, but we can’t have bare bits or ding dongs flopping around on here either. Unfortunately, the art is kind of hard to display without the naughty parts.

Cleanup on Aisle 5

But supposedly the point is that those parts aren’t necessarily naughty and that if you think they are, you should probably lighten up.

Regardless, the very fact that there is a person out there who — simply by asking — can get 5,000 people to show up and willfully undress for a camera… well that’s just cool as hell. You’d think these shoots would turn into total sausage fests, with a ton of dirty male pervs just showing up to peep some privates. But on the contrary, the guy seems to be able to draw just as many women as men. He says boo and they drop trou.

Uncensored Genitalia Protip: Just Google It

That guy who gets people naked is effing awesome.


Carl Sagan

Carl Sagan, the renowned astronomer and scientist, is awesome because he is not Bill O’Reilly.

This can be said about pretty much everyone, of course, but it is especially true of Carl Sagan.

And Thank God For That

Carl Sagan was an intelligent, articulate, critical thinker and skeptic. His rationalism was infectious. His calm demeanor was soothing. He never felt the need to argue with teleprompters.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly.

Carl Sagan wrote books about the virtue of science, the search for meaningful truth inside our universe, and the value of skeptical thought. He was agnostic, but also wrote about his own personal search for God, which he theorized could be described as anything from “the sum total of the physical laws that govern the universe” to something much more. But he was also smart enough to understand that the concept of God was something that could never be fully proven or understood.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly, who writes intellectually feeble books with divisive titles like Pinheads and Patriots and argues that the tides of the ocean prove the existence of God. Compounding his abysmal misunderstanding of scientific reasoning and critical thought, Bill O’Reilly also doesn’t seem to have the intellectual capacity to understand that there is no way to prove that God exists, or that this should not be an issue to a person with faith. Faith doesn’t need proof. That’s the point of faith. You really shouldn’t feel the need to embarrass yourself by revealing your utter lack of scientific understanding or logical reasoning in order to make a point that doesn’t even need to be made in the first place.

Carl Sagan knows where the moon came from.

Of course, we understand that Bill O’Reilly probably does indeed know how the moon was formed, or if he doesn’t, he would at least know how to Google it. But Bill O’Reilly seems to be wanting to make the point that you can keep asking the question of origin all the way back to the Big Bang and still not have an answer to “How’d it get there?” What started it all? Bill O’Reilly has a difficult time articulating that point, but Bill O’Reilly is also not smart enough to understand that this argument is a logical fallacy anyway. Because if you are going to argue that everything has to have come from somewhere, then don’t you have to apply that same argument to God? Oh, everything has to come from somewhere except for God? Carl Sagan would would have given you an ‘F’ in debate, Bill O’Reilly. In fact, Carl Sagan wouldn’t have engaged in such an unwinnable debate in the first place. Carl Sagan had bigger things to think about.

Carl Sagan predicted Global Warming, championed the search for extra-terrestrial life, correctly hypothesized the atmosphere of our local planets and their moons, won a Pulitzer, and introduced dozens of profoundly influential concepts into our scientific lexicon.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly, who doesn’t know the difference between a falafel and a loofah.

Carl Sagan is also awesome because he is not Glenn Beck.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly, but that’s another story.

Carl Sagan is effing awesome.


The Cure

Today’s rock stars are too damned serious. It’s all about image. You’d never see Marilyn Manson or Linkin Park sing a song called Friday I’m in Love. That shit wouldn’t sell with the angry kids in the burbs these days.

The Cure practically invented “serious” when it comes to rock music, so you might be tempted to think the same thing about them. The ratted out hair, the lipstick, the mopey lyrics… it was quite a scene. The whole Goth movement came out of their heyday, and some idiot even committed suicide during one of their concerts — an act I’m sure he would be thoroughly embarrassed about today had he not succeeded, the silly fool. Especially if it was before they played Just Like Heaven. Awkward.

Because for every droning minor guitar chord the band ever played, there was a happy-go-lucky counterpart song in a major key on the B-side. So much for appealing to the misguided misanthropic teenagers. You can’t really stab yourself in the face to a song called Mint Car.

It’s almost funny that The Cure is known for being a depressing Goth band when they wrote some of the giddiest pop songs ever recorded. But to be fair, they did write some seriously creepy shit, too. Albeit still awesome as hell:

More catchy treats:

For creating a genre and then defying it at the same time, The Cure are effing awesome.


Edward Gorey

Most children’s authors would probably try to avoid topics like mutilated children or macabre, gothic visions of demons and death. But Edward Gorey devoted a whole alphabet to the concept. The Brothers Grimm had nothing on Edward Gorey.

Mutilated Children - Fun For All Ages!

He wrote morbid, surreal books with surprisingly subtle titles like Donald Has a Difficulty or The Inanimate Tragedy and then filled the pages with gruesome illustrations that were as intricate in their detail as they were devoted to their sadism. And then he made everything rhyme. Cuz kids dig stuff that rhymes.

Macabre Concepts - That Rhyme!

Even the pseudonyms that he used to pen some of his publishings — actually anagrams of his own name — were brilliantly disturbing: Ogdred Weary, Regera Dowdy, Eduard Blutig, Dogear Wryde, E. G. Deadworry, D. Awdrey-Gore, Edward Pig, Wardore Edgy, Groeda Weyrd, and on and on. It’s as if he was destined to do this the moment his mother named him, assumingly after a particularly difficult and bloody birth. Then he went on to influence the influential, like Tim Burton, Nine Inch Nails, and countless others.

For understanding that both children and adults alike might enjoy a visit to the dark side from time to time, Edward Gorey is effing awesome.


Imagine winning the biggest lottery in the world without ever even buying a ticket.

That’s basically what happened to a woman named Patricia who discovered she shared the same birth-mother with Oprah Winfrey — the most powerful woman in the entire universe. One day you are a woman trying to solve the emotional puzzle of why your mother abandoned you at birth, and the next day you are bringing your kids to Thanksgiving dinner at auntie Oprah’s mansion.

And it doesn’t have to be about the money, obviously, but let’s get real. While the fame and attention alone would be considerable, and discovering a sister you never knew you had would be life-altering, you would also be pretty much guaranteed a million dollar book deal right out of the gate, and presumably some of the awesomest Christmas presents from the Martha Stewart collection every year until you die.

This literally seems like a miracle. The mother of all dreams come true. But it could happen to anyone. Well, maybe not the Oprah connection specifically, but you never know what all of your ancestors were doing three generations ago — who was banging whom, who was hiding pregnancies, who was sleeping with the next door neighbor — and where all those secret progenies may have ended up. Someone could do a random background check or an unrelated DNA test and suddenly you’re a Kennedy.

Not to sully your grandmother’s reputation with hypotheticals, but her secret pregnancy when she was 17 could easily have resulted in you being a distant Baldwin brother. Although that particular example might not be the jackpot you were hoping for.

Knowing humans and their apparent inability to avoid lustful transgressions, there are probably a million secret lotteries like this one just waiting to be won all over the world right now. You never know when one is going to drop out of the sky and smash in your head with good fortune. If it could happen to Oprah’s long-lost half-sister, then it could happen to you. And you never even need to buy a ticket!

Related OSM:

Oprah’s Long-Lost Half-Sister is effing awesome.


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