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Cross-dressing must really bring out the creativity in people. Case in point: all the best musicals (and all the catchiest songs) feature transvestites. Pretty ones, ugly ones, fat ones, fake ones, skinny ones, scary ones — it doesn’t seem to matter.

1. Victor Victoria
Okay, so she’s a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a women, but that still requires cross-dressing somewhere in the mix. Plus the end of this clip where the guy from Webster explains the situation and James Garner gets all confused about his boner is probably one of the most mindblowingest highlights of 1980’s American cinema:

2. Hairspray
Rather than a transvestite character, this musical traditionally features a transvestite actor playing the mother’s role as an homage to the big-screen transvestite Divine who originally portrayed the character in the non-musical version. John Travolta is more like an insult than an homage, but the music is so damn good and John Waters is so damn awesome that Hairspray cannot be denied no matter how much you think you hate musicals and Zac Efron.

Travoltestry
Unfortunately, embedding is denied, so you’ll have to watch it here.

3. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Obvious in its awesomeness, Tim Curry’s performance has been enchanting the bi-curious for decades now, but few people realize how awesome these songs actually are, including I Can Make You A Man, Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me, Over at the Frankenstein Place, and not least of all:

4. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
The king/queen of all Transvestite Musicals. Not sure if Hedwig is technically a man or a woman at this point, but regardless, he’s by far the most thrilling thing ever to grace the stage, the big screen, and your midnight fantasies. Best of all, the music is ingenious:

Wig in a Box:

Sugardaddy:

The Origin of Love:

Seriously, they should remake The Sound of Music featuring transvestites. Nothing could stop it. Its uncontainable power would melt the galaxy.

Musicals featuring transvestites are effing awesome.

Myodesopsia

You have Myodesopsia. Also known as: those obnoxious dark splotches that slowly drift across your field of vision, obstructing your view, and generally being a nuisance. Also known as: eye floaties.

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Technically, eye floaties are “minute remnants of embryonic structures suspended in the thick fluid or gel that fills the eye.” Most people got them. And most people who got them hate them.

But here’s the thing: your eye floaties have been with you for a very long time. Since the womb, actually. And they stay around forever. Sure, it’s possible you may acquire a few new floaties here and there as you age, but the core group has been around with you since you were in your mama’s tummy and will be with you until you meet your bitter end.

They are closer than your closest friends. A part of you like nothing else. They stick around even when you are at your worst, and they have experienced all your best days right along side you.

So rather than curse your eye floaties, you should embrace them. Give them names and welcome their arrival, like you might with the seasonal constellations. Embrace the galaxy that is currently orbiting your viscous fluid. Its a universe unto its own. Its your universe and nobody else’s.

“Oh look! Pete will be joining us for dinner!” you can exclaim when the loopy one with the knobby end enters your vision.

“Julie is shy today. She just runs and hides every time I try to look at her,” is probably a common thing you might say about your entire extended eye-floaty-family.

It’s almost like having your own permanent, death-proof aquarium of sea monkeys right inside your eyeballs.

Okay, maybe that’s not an appealing notion, but regardless, they are yours and yours alone. Each one as unique as a snowflake. Cherish them.

Eye floaties are effing awesome.

This is the third post in a series wherein examples of perfect pop songs are posted for your appreciation and enjoyment. Some of them are classics, some of them obscure, all of them perfectly awesome.

#3: Breakin’ Up
by Rilo Kiley

Forget all those sappy sad songs about heartbreak and pain; sometimes breaking up feels good. REALLY good. Be they significant others, toxic friends, evil coworkers, or inanimate objects, the act of separating yourself from someone can actually feel quite liberating. Like, an awesome sing-songy let-freedom-ring kind of orgasmic liberation. Rilo Kiley nails this oft forgotten fact:

Next time you quit a job, play this song with the windows down at top volume as you drive off the lot. You’ll never feel better.

Perfect pop songs are effing awesome.

In a three-hour movie full of WTF moments, it’s a simple smile at the very last moment that makes the biggest impression.

Magnolia is a movie that starts with a seemingly irrelevant but frenetic opening sequence about fate versus coincidence, moves onto Tom Cruise shouting the C-word like its his job (which it kinda is), pivots with an absurd full-cast singalong/karaoke jam, and climaxes with a rainstorm of amphibians. But it’s that damn smile that will kill you every time:

The entire scene is simply one long shot that’s set perfectly to the accompanying song whose lyrics act as a substitute for the barely audible dialog. All you need to know is that she’s buying whatever is being said to her, and by this time in the movie she’s in some serious need of a friendly word or two.

1999 was a new rennesaiance in filmmaking, with Being John Malkovich, Magnolia, Fight Club, The Sixth Sense, Eyes Wide Shut, The Matrix, Office Space, and American Beauty all raising the bar for the respective genres. But Magnolia stands alone. Genreless. Inscrutable. And thankfully — because of that one little smirk — uplifting.

The Last Scene in Magnolia is effing awesome.

For 14 formative years on Sesame Street, nobody believed in Snuffleupagus except for Big Bird. In a seemingly never-ending series of infuriatingly frustrating episodes, Snuffy would always disappear right before being witnessed by an adult. It was beyond maddening.

Everyone thought Big Bird was bonkers, and stupid Snuffy just let it happen, always wandering away at the most inopportune moments. Day after day. Week after week. Year after year. Until the biggest effing tease in the history of your childhood was drawn out to the point of excruciating torture. It was like a cruel joke by a sadistic cabal, hellbent on perfecting the kiddie version of Chinese water torture.

Snuffy was a big furry elephant with girly eyelashes and a sweet disposition. You just wanted to snuggle his snuffle. His impossible cuteness only made the unbearable anguish resonate deeper.The Big Tease Television has always been about delayed gratification. TV producers keep you coming back week after week with the agonizing possibility that Tony and Angela will finally get together and bang it out, or that Ross and Rachel will finally get together and bang it out, or that The Nanny and that rich theater snob will finally get together and… well you get the drift.

But with Snuffy it was obviously different. His target audience wasn’t waiting for him to get it on with Big Bird. The producers of the show claim that the concept of keeping Snuffy a secret to everyone but Big Bird was originally created to represent the same experience that a child might have with their own imaginery friend. But then why not make him actually imaginary? Why even bother teasing us with the possibility of his eventual discovery?

No, something much more insidious was going on. Jim Henson was clearly getting off on controlling the situation. Making you squirm. Constantly teasing you with the possibility of sweet relief before yanking the rug out from beneath your feet. He was a sick bastard.

Raw, Concentrated Evil

Then one day, in the wake of the pedophilia scandals in the Catholic church, the executives at the Children’s Television Workshop decided that perhaps it was not such a good idea to have none of the adults believe a childhood idol like Big Bird when he made certain claims. (Of course, it’s also been suggested that the real reason for finally outing Snuffy was to garner publicity for the Sesame Street movie being released that year. So it seems that there was one thing that Jim Henson loved more than torturing children: making money.)

Regardless, it wasn’t until 1985, when in a stunning act of compassion Snuffy was suddenly revealed to the adults on Sesame Street. The grown-ups were astounded, Big Bird was vindicated, and millions of adolescents breathed a collective sigh of relief — 14 years in the making.

14 years.

14 effing years.

It only took Tony and Angela seven years to finally bang it out, and even that felt like an eternity.

Snuffy’s big reveal was effing awesome.*

*and so is Jim Henson for that matter.

If you put an ad in the paper asking people to gather somewhere in public and get nude for some “artistic” photographs for which they would not be getting paid, it would probably be considered creepy, if not downright illegal. When Spencer Tunick does it, thousands of people show up, ready to get good and naked.

Spencer takes pictures of lots of blissfully willing nudes, artfully arranged, all over the world, in iconic locales including Barcelona, Buenos Aires, London, Melbourne, New York and Sao Paulo. Even on glaciers.

Sausage Fest

It’s an ongoing art project that is apparently supposed to symbolize freedom and to challenge the viewer’s perception about nudity and the human body. But the truth is that most people  probably just like looking at naked people.

OSMsauce isn’t exactly prudish or a family-friendly place, but we can’t have bare bits or ding dongs flopping around on here either. Unfortunately, the art is kind of hard to display without the naughty parts.

Cleanup on Aisle 5

But supposedly the point is that those parts aren’t necessarily naughty and that if you think they are, you should probably lighten up.

Regardless, the very fact that there is a person out there who — simply by asking — can get 5,000 people to show up and willfully undress for a camera… well that’s just cool as hell. You’d think these shoots would turn into total sausage fests, with a ton of dirty male pervs just showing up to peep some privates. But on the contrary, the guy seems to be able to draw just as many women as men. He says boo and they drop trou.

Uncensored Genitalia Protip: Just Google It

That guy who gets people naked is effing awesome.

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