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Posts Tagged ‘animals’


Slutty Cats

It was only about 90 million years ago when cats and humans split on the evolutionary timeline. Since then, humans have developed to be intellectually and emotionally prudent in their sexual proclivities while cats have evolved into awesome super sluts.

Due to how they ovulate, a standard house cat needs to mate at least four times before she’s even capable of getting knocked up. In a matter of days. And depending on her situation, it usually isn’t even with the same tomcat. It’s pretty much whoever can pin her down while she’s in heat. This rampant promiscuity means that each kitten in the litter could come from a different papa cat, turning our hapless female into a ghetto-fabulous baby-mama in just one pregnancy.

And it’s not just house cats, either. When in heat, lionesses do it up to 100 times a day, with multiple suitors, all in the same incestuous pride. That’s like one of those gang-bang videos only not disgusting because it’s natural.

Unfortunately, kitty sex doesn’t seem so pleasant for the female, since the males have these nasty barbed penises that scrape up their insides:


Condolences to the unfortunate computer animator who had to recreate that thing for educational purposes.

Evolution has turned cats into sluts, which is fine because it reminds us of what really separates us from the animals, besides 90 million years of evolution: our social mores, for better or worse. Cats can do it guilt-free, with as many partners and as often as they want. But with that sexual freedom comes painful barbed-penis sex. And feline AIDS, which infects 2.5% of cats in the United States. And rampant overproduction.

Sure, it would be awesome to be able to be as slutty as you wanted to be without any judgment whatsoever from your peers, and yes, perhaps humans go a little too far with their sexual prudencies. But humans clearly got the better end of that particular evolutionary divide.

For reminding us that complete sexual freedom might not necessarily be a good thing, slutty cats are effing awesome.


 

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