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Valentine’s Day

You’ve heard the sad-sacks squawking about how Valentine’s Day is too commercialized, that it was practically invented to sell candy and roses and Hallmark cards, and that if you buy into that vapid foolishness then you are nothing more than a silly-ninny sheep following a mindless herd. Those sad-sacks are half right. But they are also overlooking the obvious fact that a national — nay, global — day of celebrating love, romantic or otherwise, is an awesome idea and that Hallmark doesn’t own it.

Antivalentinists tend to fall into two categories: anticonsumerists and those objected to the “forced observation of romantic love.” But since you aren’t a silly-ninny sheep, you can make Valentine’s day into anything you want it to be. You aren’t being forced into anything. Don’t let the naysayers get you down.

You should, however, try to avoid being a sucker and take back Valentine’s Day with these simple tips:

1. Don’t Send Your Lover Roses at Work
The main reason ladies want to get flowers at work is because other girls might get flowers at work and you certainly can’t be the only girl not getting flowers at work. Don’t feed that beast. Plus roses are boring. It’s like you’re purposefully trying to be generic and paying extra for it.

2. Don’t Buy Jewelry
This is where the ladies are taking advantage of the situation. They don’t need jewelry to know you love them, they just want the jewerly and they know they can get it from you on Valentine’s day. It’s a ruse. Plus it’s mostly poorly designed junkware anyway.

3. Don’t Buy a Hallmark Card
Hallmark cards are the hallmark of disingenuous sentimentalism. Grab a piece of notepaper and a red marker and draw a heart and write I love you on it and fold it up all nice-like with some sort of origami inspiration and give it to your mate. If your mate thinks this is not as good as a Hallmark card, then your mate is stupid. Dump your stupid mate.

4. Don’t Buy Chocolates
Chocolates are pretty awesome actually, but if you buy your mate a box of dime-store chocolates for Valentine’s day you may as well have gotten them a bag of Doritos. Wait, Valentine Doritos could be pretty awesome, actually.

I'M NACHO FRIEND, I'M YOUR LUVR

6. In Fact, Don’t Buy Anything At All
It’s just a silly holiday where you can allow yourself to be sentimental about your lovers, friends, family members, coworkers, and aquaintances. If you love someone, tell them. If you don’t love somebody or if somebody doesn’t love you back, then send a suggestively filthy anonymous note to your current infatuation. That sounds creepy? It’s Valentine’s Day! Make it into whatever you want it to be! Lustful Infatuation Day!

Valentine’s Day is effing awesome.


 

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