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Posts Tagged ‘food’


Nachos

Nachos are so effing good.

They seem simple enough — at their most basic they are just tortilla chips and melty cheese — but you have no idea what it took to get that plate of steamy hot and crispy nachos in front of your frothing mouth.

Fuckin' num.

First there are the tortilla chips, which are a relatively new invention. Only since the 1950′s have we had the little triangle-shaped tortilla chips, after Rebecca Carranza fried up some misshapen tortillas that had been rejected from the automated tortilla manufacturing machine. Waste not, want not after all.

Within ten years tortilla chips were a bona-fide hit and available all across the country. In 1994, Mrs. Carranza received the “Golden Tortilla Award” for her contribution to the Mexican food industry. One can only imagine what the red carpet must have looked like at the Golden Tortillas that year. It must have been quite a sight, indeed.

Lastly, but definitely not least, is the cheese. The delicious melty, greasy, goopy cheese. Cheese is one of those odd foods that is so awesome in every single way, but if you ever stopped to think about how it was made you would never actually eat it.

Cheese was “accidentally” invented in the ancient times when people regularly stored food inside animal skins and “inflated internal organs,” i.e. stomachs and intestines. Apparently, some clever Arab accidentally stored milk in his trusty stomach container, and the rennet in the stomach turned the milk into curds and whey. And then, when the aforementioned Arab opened up his fetid stomach Ziploc and noticed the strange smelling curdled milk concoction festering on the inside, he decided to eat it. Viola: cheese.

So, from the incidental creation of tortilla chips, to the unsavory discovery of cheese, nachos are a wholly accidental invention. You should thank the gods of chance with every greasy bite you swallow.

And also thanks to both Mrs. Carranza and that brave Arab with his tummy Tupperware.

Nachos are effing awesome.


 

“Hey, something just dropped out of that chicken’s backside. Heck, I guess I better pick it up and investigate.”

“Hmmmm, it seems hard on the outside, it’s got like this protective shell coating that… oops, turns out it’s pretty fragile actually. Inside it’s goopy.”

“It’s more than goopy actually. In fact, it’s pretty digusting. It’s got this clear liquid that seems to be more solid in parts than others, and a nasty yellow center sack that - *gag* – oozes out orangey glop if you pierce it.”

“It’s sticky, too. And it kinda smells funny to boot. A little like rotted flatulence.”

“I wonder what it tastes like?”

“Okay, so it doesn’t taste so good either. In fact, it made me throw up a bit. I suppose I could try cooking it, see what happens.”

“Oh hey, now it’s all solid and fluffy looking. Doesn’t taste as bad anymore. Interesting.”

“Hey, what’s coming out of that cow’s udder? Is that white urine? Semen? I better go investigate…”

Thousands of years later: we have omelettes.

Eggs are Inherently Grody

The First Person to Ever Eat an Egg is effing awesome.


 

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