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Posts Tagged ‘michael crichton’


Congo, the Movie

The 90’s were good to Michael Crichton. Jurassic Park was a ginormous success in every aspect. He sold millions of books about nerdy high-tech concepts that most Americans would have been otherwise unable to comprehend. The movie adaptation of his novel Disclosure had Demi Moore AND Michael Douglas in it ferchrissakes — two of the most 90’sy actors who ever existed. He was at the top of his game. Enter: Congo, the Movie.

Congo the book is the story of an ape who can speak sign-language, craves martinis, and helps some flailing scientists locate a secret long-lost city in Africa where diamonds practically rain from the sky and a tribe of lethally-trained murderous monkeys can smoosh your brains into pudding with a deadly melee attack involving clay tablets. Even on paper it was ridiculous. So let’s make a movie out of it!

Rather than tone down the conceptually bonkers book for the big screen, the filmmakers decided to amp the crazy up a few notches, and then hired the most inappropriate cast imaginable. Suddenly volcanoes are erupting and lava is flowing and Amy The Talking Gorilla is saving the stupid humans from a demise of their own making (in addition to the murderous monkeys, corporate greed is the evil beast this time around). By the time Laura Linney is shooting satellites out of the sky with a makeshift laser-diamond-rifle, well… you can’t help but shed a tear or two, and thank the Lord above that there was enough cocaine in the world to fuel the mind of any screenwriter who could concoct such a huge pile of festering crap.

Congo: The Movie is everything Michael Crichton ever deserved.

So why is it awesome? Well, because as it turns out, Michael Crichton, who wrote the subpar novel and watched as it was made into one of the most ludicrous travesties of all time, was also kind of a douchebag. When he wasn’t believing his own hype and acting like a know-it-all in every single interview he’s ever given, he was denying global warming and climate change, basically suggesting that he, THE GREAT MICHAEL CRICHTON, purveyor of trash science and savior of all humanity, knew better than 99% of actual educated climatologists.

So basically, there is the hope that the epic failure that is Congo, the Movie managed to knock Michael Crichton down a peg or two. A guy like that needs a wake up call of his own fallibility from time to time. Of course, he was also reminded of his own mortality when he died in 2008. But no one should want to dance on the grave of a deceased author who made millions of people happy, so we’ll just sit back and let Congo do it for us. Plus, it’s just so painfully awful in every single regard that it’s almost fun to watch.

Congo: The Movie is effing awesome.


 

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