Your Regular Dose of Positive Spin...
Because You Don't Appreciate Enough

Posts Tagged ‘morons’

Stupid Teenagers

Stupid teenagers are the worst.

They truly understand next to nothing, yet they think they know everything. And annoyingly, you can’t convince them otherwise because they don’t even have the mental capability to understand the concept. Seriously. It’s hardcore science. Just like it’s impossible to teach a dog to talk due to their underdeveloped vocal cords, you can’t teach a teenager to understand their own fallibility or limitations due to their underdeveloped brains. It’s literally impossible to get through to the idiots.

Worst of all, they are old enough to engage in stupid, risky behavior, but not smart enough to fully understand the consequences. Their immature brains are not yet capable of avoiding risky behaviors because the brain systems that control basic cognitive and physical abilities develops way before the area that controls impulse and emotions. Whoopsie! Evolution really got that developmental pattern ass-backwards, didn’t it?

Or did it?

There’s been a lot of recent studies on the teenage brain. This is probably because the stupidity of teenagers seem downright fascinating at times, but regardless, a few theories have started to arise about why teenagers are dumber than a bag of hammers, and how this might actually be an evolutionary benefit.

One theory suggests (using some round-about logic that your average moronic teenager could never understand) that some “risk-taking among adolescents is evidence that they are trying out more adultlike roles. Having unsafe sex and driving too fast may be mistakes, but kids often have to experiment with limits in order to learn how to live within them. Which, in turn, is a sign of maturity.” So basically, it’s the mature ones who act the stupidest. And if the dunderheads survive their reckless youths, they will be all the better for it in the future. Well-adjusted even. Just don’t get in front of them if they are driving a car since “16,000 young people die each year from unintentional injuries.” Mostly in ridiculous car wrecks. On top of that, a slew of them become under-aged, unwed parents who are doomed to repeat the pattern of failsmanship. Apparently whoever’s left over seems well-adjusted by comparison, so that theory totally checks out.

Another, more plausible study suggests that a teenager’s stupidity could actually be an evolutionary benefit due to the fact that a teenager would never gather the courage to leave his childhood home and make a life of his own if his brain ware capable of understanding how dangerous the real world actually is. So for humans to continue to develop and thrive and evolve as a species, teenagers need to remain just stupid enough to take a few risky chances and to make a few bold moves before their brains can develop enough to make them realize how incredibly dim-witted, short-sighted, and crazy they have been acting for the last twenty five years.

So there you have it. Teenagers are stupid because it benefits the human race in the long haul. It’s survival of the mentally un-fittest. It doesn’t make them any less stupid or annoying, but still, you should probably thank them for being so bone-headed. And thank yourself, too. Because you were a stupid teenager once as well, but luckily you were just short of being stupid enough to recklessly kill yourself.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Not my kid. My kid ‘gets it’…” They don’t. They might be able to fake it in front of you, but if you could see inside their heads you’d be shocked at how little they actually understand. But the blindspot of a doting parent probably has some evolutionary benefit, too, so don’t sweat it too hard.

Stupid teenagers are effing awesome.

Benefiting the Human Race

Benefiting the Human Race


Carl Sagan

Carl Sagan, the renowned astronomer and scientist, is awesome because he is not Bill O’Reilly.

This can be said about pretty much everyone, of course, but it is especially true of Carl Sagan.

And Thank God For That

Carl Sagan was an intelligent, articulate, critical thinker and skeptic. His rationalism was infectious. His calm demeanor was soothing. He never felt the need to argue with teleprompters.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly.

Carl Sagan wrote books about the virtue of science, the search for meaningful truth inside our universe, and the value of skeptical thought. He was agnostic, but also wrote about his own personal search for God, which he theorized could be described as anything from “the sum total of the physical laws that govern the universe” to something much more. But he was also smart enough to understand that the concept of God was something that could never be fully proven or understood.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly, who writes intellectually feeble books with divisive titles like Pinheads and Patriots and argues that the tides of the ocean prove the existence of God. Compounding his abysmal misunderstanding of scientific reasoning and critical thought, Bill O’Reilly also doesn’t seem to have the intellectual capacity to understand that there is no way to prove that God exists, or that this should not be an issue to a person with faith. Faith doesn’t need proof. That’s the point of faith. You really shouldn’t feel the need to embarrass yourself by revealing your utter lack of scientific understanding or logical reasoning in order to make a point that doesn’t even need to be made in the first place.

Carl Sagan knows where the moon came from.

Of course, we understand that Bill O’Reilly probably does indeed know how the moon was formed, or if he doesn’t, he would at least know how to Google it. But Bill O’Reilly seems to be wanting to make the point that you can keep asking the question of origin all the way back to the Big Bang and still not have an answer to “How’d it get there?” What started it all? Bill O’Reilly has a difficult time articulating that point, but Bill O’Reilly is also not smart enough to understand that this argument is a logical fallacy anyway. Because if you are going to argue that everything has to have come from somewhere, then don’t you have to apply that same argument to God? Oh, everything has to come from somewhere except for God? Carl Sagan would would have given you an ‘F’ in debate, Bill O’Reilly. In fact, Carl Sagan wouldn’t have engaged in such an unwinnable debate in the first place. Carl Sagan had bigger things to think about.

Carl Sagan predicted Global Warming, championed the search for extra-terrestrial life, correctly hypothesized the atmosphere of our local planets and their moons, won a Pulitzer, and introduced dozens of profoundly influential concepts into our scientific lexicon.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly, who doesn’t know the difference between a falafel and a loofah.

Carl Sagan is also awesome because he is not Glenn Beck.

The same cannot be said about Bill O’Reilly, but that’s another story.

Carl Sagan is effing awesome.


Tag Cloud